Miserable At Best
by cenedick
Summary: Dean finds out how much his boyfriend is actually hurting. (Highschool AU - Panic attack and self harm triggers; rated M for such content)


_**I legit just wrote this because I wanted to and I needed to put what I felt like writing into a situation that I felt would benefit others. I haven't researched anything in here, it's basically what I have experienced through the eyes of another. So if you see any mistakes, I apologise I didn't read through it many times because I don't like reading my own writing. It's quite heavy and I don't think it's wrote very well. It's one-shot and very very short but that's what I'm like. Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade is what I listened to while writing this, beautiful song which I am obsessed with at the moment. Anyway, have fun. **_

"Where did you get these?" Dean's face loosened from his beautiful grin that was a moment ago spread across his face. It was almost comical how quick his expression changed but this was hardly anything to laugh about.

"Nowhere it's fine." Cas murmured. He took his arms away from Dean; pulled his sleeves down, looked up a little and smiled. "They're nothing; really."

The two boys were sat on Dean's bed, talking about everything and nothing. Dean was just in the middle of explaining how his little brother, Sam, managed to get both his sleeves caught in the car door when he grabbed both of Cas' arms without warning and it seemed that the boy's sleeves weren't quite long enough to hide his little secret.

"That's not nothing Cas…" Dean trailed off and he swallowed. The silence was suffocating and Cas hated it. The heat was crawling up his face and he started to shake.

"I-It doesn't matter." Castiel's voice shook and he started to move off the bed. "I just fell over." He was exasperated; he didn't believe one word that was coming out of his mouth and he wasn't sure why he held on to the hope that Dean would. The green-eyed boy didn't even look up. Dean had heard about this; he'd seen it around the internet and people at school would talk about it all the time.

He heard Cas breathing heavy, he felt him trembling even when he was no longer sat on the bed with him.

"Tell me the truth Cas, did you actually fall over?" Dean finally looked up and Cas was met with a green sea of raw emotion. He didn't know how he was going to lie but he wasn't sure how he was going to tell the truth either.

"I…didn't fall over." He settled on. Cas didn't elaborate but surely that was enough for him, right?

"Then what did you do?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Castiel turned his back on him and started looking at a very interesting piece of peeling wallpaper. There was a long pause; in which time Cas had been able to inwardly panic more and for his breathing to get even more shallow. He looked up and started breathing through his nose and out his mouth. He didn't need this, not here, not now.

"Why?" Dean didn't understand, that much was evident, but how could be so ignorant? Cas felt a spike of anger pulse through him. It wasn't even Dean's fault but just one comment, one word or one action is enough to change Castiel's mood almost instantly. He hated that this boy had so much control over him. There is a fine line between love and hate and Cas seemed to cross it every day with Dean.

"That's a… broad question." Castiel's voice was breathy and quiet. He couldn't breathe; the walls felt like they were closing in on him. Dean tilted his head at the boy who stood at the wall. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. He didn't understand; he knew Cas got sad sometimes but this? Really? Did men even do that kind of thing? He swallowed and stood up from his bed and it creaked ever so slightly. It was enough to send Castiel flying. He jumped violently and turned around so abruptly that he could have fallen over. His eyes were wide and he looked so panicked and confused and frightened. Dean felt guilt like water settling in his lungs; it choked him. Was it him that had made Cas feel like this? Was it him that made him so scared? Dean reached out to the blue-eyed boy in front of him and took the weight of him in his arms. He settled his cheek on Castiel's hair and wrapped his arms around his torso. Cas was shaking like a wet dog and was twice as fragile. Dean ran his hand up and down Castiel's back; in particularly between his shoulder blades. Cas started to breathe harder and his teeth started to chatter. Cas grabbed Dean's top between his fists and rested his forehead against his chest. Everything he didn't want to remember, all the black that drowned him; pounded into him and he couldn't stop the gasp that escaped his lips. The broken sound was so loud, so hurt. Dean held him tighter but it couldn't stop now.

Castiel felt the tears stream down his face; he felt the pain and the nothing. His powerful sobs bounced off the walls and he couldn't breathe. He was going to die this time, he knew it. The gripped harder to the figure he couldn't see. He felt his knees go weak and he had to sink to the floor. He had to know where he was; he had to feel it. The pain was so crippling, he couldn't see anything in front of his face; he couldn't open his eyes and he didn't want to. He knelt on the floor and buried his face in Dean's shoulder only half aware of what he was doing. He felt himself being rocked gently and he rode out the wave of pain and intense emotion. He felt his mind turn less foggy but his heart was still thumping hard in his chest. His breathing was still shaky and his whole body still shook. It was over but the pain had only slightly eased.

Dean was breathing heavily and his palms were sweaty. He was rocking Castiel on the floor and whispering in his ear. He didn't know if the other boy could hear him but it had to help right? He made sure that Cas was slightly steadier before easing the grip he had on him. He hadn't realised that he was holding so tightly until he let go. It was like Dean was trying to keep Cas from breaking but he felt a ball of disappointment when he knew he had failed at it. Instead, Dean took Castiel's hand from his shirt and rolled his sleeve up a little. Matted, faded and red scars ran all the way up his arm and Dean felt his heart ache. He just wanted to help; he just wanted Castiel to not hurt anymore. He lightly kissed the other boy's arm and then wrapped his own hand with Cas'.

Castiel watched wide-eyed at Dean's actions and fell into him. He pecked his lips and fit his head into the crook of Dean's neck. Their hands were joined and laid upon the floor, they were both knelt and their knees were going numb with pain but they didn't care. Cas knew he was broken, he knew that the thoughts he thought and the emotion he felt; if it was any at all, that it wasn't normal. But he also knew that if there was anybody that could help him be put back together again; it was Dean.


End file.
